Bowling Philosophy-October 2010

"The Czar Rules: Article II"

by Thomas Scherrer

In the past few weeks, the PBA has a) filled up its WSOB roster and b) made a highly asinine Dick Weber Playoffs. So glad to see that they took some of my advice about what I felt should be a reasonable PBA Playoff system back in July.

OK, so they actually didn't use anything I had suggested and I literally came up with something in the course of a week while doing other things like practicing, working, and making dinners while the future Dr. Peloquin was working 10 hour shifts at the pharmacy. Unlike PBA bigwigs who pretty much had all summer to come up with something worth watching at the end of the year to determine a more valid, clear, and concise PBA Player of the Year and they came up with something that appeared as if one of Parker Bohn III's kids came up with while drawing in the nursery. Actually, knowing the Bohn kids, they could have come up with something about a thousand percent better than the PBA came up with. It draws two serious red flags for me in a truly arcane-looking 2010-11 PBA season.

Red Flag #1: The tour season has over 20 telecasts on ESPN programming, but only 11 events. Wasn't this version of the PBA Tour supposed to offer more tournaments and better, more consistent prize funds? They are throwing more into the major telecasts which is a great sign of things to come, but are they totally mailing in the rest of the season? This is as big a stamp-licking, 41 cent, LeBron James in Cleveland mail in season as you will ever see in professional sports. It has got me outright worried that the PBA execs hope that they generate enough dramatic coverage with the majors that casual and hardcore fans alike will be crazy for more bowling. It is possible, but risky in a time where bowling must be cautious about risk.

Red Flag #2: Does the PBA even care about attempting to identify the best player in the sport as opposed to exposing all of its talent at once and hoping someone "gets over"? I know on the surface, this doesn't sound all too bad, however bowling truly needs a legitimate top dog. Right now, that parity of talent in bowling is truly alarming because we aren't sure if any player can handle the torch of professional bowling for the next decade. It could be Bill O'Neill, it could be Rhino Page, it could be Jason Belmonte, or Sean Rash, or Mike Fagan, or someone yet to come along. The truth is that I could not say will...I said could and could only. Again, with little safety net, that is a dangerous situation to be in.
The other hope perhaps is that with all the exposure of its players, someone comes along and draws heat for the sport. Someone who fans do not like or dislike strongly, almost acting in pro wrestling terms, "turning heel" on the crowd. Most fans have their favorite and their least favorite players and they hope that fewer telecasts featuring more players could offer more polarizing, differentiating views by fans. It has a shot to work, but the PBA will need someone on the lanes become that.

Back to the Czar rules and Article II for the month of October. Ah, October...leaves browning and falling, cool weather, windy, apple picking, pumpkin carving, wood chopping, and every kids favorite holiday: Halloween. Everyone dressing up in ghastly or provocative clothing, basically showing off their ego/superego/Id side for one night. Doing makeup, adding appendages, removing articles of clothing that on pretty much every night except Halloween could land you a night in your local jail for indecency, Halloween is a rule-breaking night in terms of dress codes...

Article II: Establishing a Dress Code
...Don't worry, so is bowling, and that, my friends is what they call CLOSURE. On a scale of 1 to 10 for importance in dress codes in bowling should rank out to be 783. This is depressing to see, and should be altered.

The Disease: For two years, I was a bowling center supervisor before my "sabbatical" and I was anywhere from appalled to Tyson Zone appalled at how people dressed for a league: sweats, cut off shirts, tanks/wife-beaters, backwards hats, stained t-shirts...translation: sloppy, goodness gracious, make the madness stop! Look, I totally understand the need for bowling in comfortable clothing and perhaps some people have a lucky bowling shirt they like to wear while pitching the pebble. I get that and respect that-hey, we are all creatures of habit, some of us even have routines or superstitions. Hell, Ryan Shafer has a thousand superstitions on tour. He wears his clothes in a certain order, he only picks up the bowling ball with his left hand (I highly advise picking a ball up with both hands for safety purposes but I won't be making a Czar Rule for that so let's just move on), and only uses bowling balls with either a 5 or an 8 in the serial number.

However, Mr. Shafer is a 4 time PBA champion, a millionaire, shot a 300 on TV, 1987 Rookie of the Year, and the 2008-09 Steve Nagy Sportsmanship winner....oh, he also dresses nice!!! Whew...yes, I know he is a pro but we all should seek to amend our wardrobe while we bowl.

The Solution: a reasonable dress code first and foremost for all league bowlers. For men, it should be a collared shirt and a nice pair of jeans at worst and for women, a nice shirt and slacks or pants. I am not advocating for everyone to come walking into their local bowling alley dressing up like Brian Voss in $400 pants, just show some pride in the sport you are actively participating in. If you think I am being an uptight pantywaist on this (for which I thank you, I'll be dressed up each time I bowl competitively), I make the reference to playing 9 holes on a municipal golf course as opposed to mini-golfing. The muni course will make you wear a polo shirt or crew neck shirt and pants, relaxing a bit on the type of pants or shorts. Mini-golf is easily more liberal, so much so that now you see people trying to put the golf ball into the windmill wearing flip-flops. Those wouldn't even be acceptable if you were playing every shot out a bunker at the muni course. And let's be honest, how could anyone chip out of the sand wearing rubber thongs on their feet? We've all been to the beach, you know how hard it is to walk in the sand with no ankle support. You either buck up and go barefoot despite the searing heat of the sand, or you bring sneakers for more traction. No more sprained ankles for me on sand, thank you.

If bowling is to seek acceptance more culturally, try to appease not to the lowest common denominator but to the greatest common factor. That factor being having people of good manners, good taste, and proper attire, along with a biding respect for the game. I am not asking for opera attire or what you'd wear to your quarterly meeting, but to be more appreciative of bowling and to give it some decency. It feels like a no doubt change to me. One more note of interest: for some reason, bad clothing or people walking into a bowling center looking like slobs further enhances the notion that bowling is primal or guttural or devoid of class. The czar has spoken for this rule...people, dress more appropriately!